Me Too

Sometimes I wonder if I imagined it
If I made it up in my head
If I actually spoke up about it
For what happened after
Is as clear as last night's dream
Patches of clear blue,
Blurring round the edges
But it definitely stopped.

And I wonder
If it happened at all.

Then there are days
When I do believe it happened
And I wonder if he remembers
And how he manages to look me in the eye
Muster speech without hesitation
Bring up the courage to smile
And laugh through his shame
If at all he ever felt it.

And I wonder
If I am what he made me.

Anger came easier at the stranger
At whom I desperately searched
For a stone to throw
Alone on that endless road home
Long after he had cycled away
A tune on his lips
And that smirk
That everything was going to be alright.

And I wonder
Why the tears wouldn't stop.

The first time, I didn't know better
By the second, I knew too much
Perhaps that's why I cried
The first time I felt love on my lips,
My hips
And something broken in me gave way,
Useless,
Submerged now with the old.

And I wonder
No, now I know.